Like a Kid in a Candy Store

(So that’s what they mean by ‘Saddleback’ ministries…)

In trying to decide what to lampoon today, I relived that childhood experience where I stood before a wall of candy at the 7-11 with the instruction from my Dad, “Pick one thing.”  What?? Only one? Do I pick Glen Rice’s Alaskan Shoot-out highlights across Sarah Palin’s youthful posterior where he reportedly made famous his patented back door play? Naw…skip it. Who cares who Sarah nailed on her one-nighters as long as she takes a stand against condom use now? Maybe we should zoom in on the North Carolina homophobes who edged ever closer to the first Gay Marriage banning amendment.  (Think about it. An actual amendment to enforce religious bigotry…wow. The White House, in their wisdom, condemned the bill…but…hey, Barack, you do know your disapproval is like gravy to the anti-gay clan down in NC, right?) Reportedly, the bill hit a snag until the its sponsors GOP Reps Andy Phuctim, Pat McRotch, Rod Gozinya, and Phillip Hizazz clarified that the legislation in no way hampers lawmakers’ ability to seek out one-night hot, gay sex using Craig’s List.  Spokesman, Robin Manbone noted:

Hey, we’re all sinners. It’s just like drugs. Of course we do them [gays and drugs.] We simply don’t approve of them [gays or drugs.] You have to come crying back to Jesus to make it right whenever you sneak out and pick up a little manstink on your manstick. That’s the way the Big Guy set it up and there’s no changing it. Have your fun, then make it right with the Son. We break the rules all the time – but we sure as hell don’t try to change them. Take Palin – of course she had Glen Rice slide on a condom before grinding the hardwood – she’d be stupid to not use protection.  That doesn’t mean she condones it! Get it?

Or maybe, my “one thing” should take a look at next year’s election and seriously try to frame the appropriate response to the inevitable outcome: either another term with Obama or one of the dipshits from the Tea Party debates. No matter who comes out on top, I can think of only one appropriate response that can truly capture my feelings, which may seem kind of familiar…

Or perhaps I should grab the reins of that bizarre litigation story: Scientists charged with manslaughter for failing to predict earthquakes. Really? If this trend takes hold how about fighting back with lawsuits against psychics who failed their civic duties? What about men of the cloth who apparently failed to exercise their prayer clout with the almighty? Shouldn’t this be grounds for a cool million when these acts of God go awry? And certainly, if an poor unvaccinated woman dies of cervical cancer, Michele Bachmann may be found guilty of negligence.


Crap. Just like when I was a kid. I can’t decide which one to pick. There’re too many!!! Oh no, here we go again…



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